


the sun, the stars, and him

by loveylou



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse, Angst, Caring Harry, Character Death, Crying, Drinking to ignore their problems, Drug Use, Fuck Modest, Happy Ending, Hiatus, Hurt Louis, Insecure Louis, Louis is used, M/M, OT4 Friendship, Protective Harry, Sad, Sad Louis, Secrets, Simon Cowbell - Freeform, Worry, X-Factor, modest sucks, post breakup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:40:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26418865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveylou/pseuds/loveylou
Summary: “I can’t do this anymore.”Louis didn’t hear the door slam because he fell to his knees, the same name still falling off his lips like a broken chorus to one of their songs. His hands shook as he stumbled, blurred vision and the dark of their kitchen keeping him from finding that which was gone. No hands reached out for him, no comforting words were spoken, there was nothing but him, the drip of the kitchen sink, and the empty silence left in his absence. He was gone. Louis’ chest heaved, the shattered pieces of his heart stabbing at his lungs until he couldn’t breathe.“H-Harry?”——also known as, harry and louis break up. then the band breaks up. then one rainy evening, louis shows up on harry’s doorstep sobbing and shitfacedwith the latest heartbreak weighing down his shoulders.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Liam Payne & Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan & Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 8
Kudos: 181





	the sun, the stars, and him

**third person pov**

“A hiatus?”

Louis focused on the ground, his foot tapping anxiously against the soft carpet. 

“Yeah, we all need a break. We’ve been doing this non-stop for what seems like forever. We can do our own things, get a break and then we’ll get back in 18 months.”

Harry’s voice was the same as always; low, soft, and slow. Perfectly capable of convincing you that anything he was saying was the best option possible. The perfect one to break the idea of a hiatus to the boys, not to mention it was Harry’s idea. 

“Is this,” Liam looked nervous to ask, glancing at Louis twisting fingers and bouncing leg, “Is this because you guys-”

Louis jerked up, his face carefully masked into that of indifference. He shook his head, “No, no, of course not, Payno. We all just need to take a break s’all.”

He dared to look at Harry, who looked right back at him, green eyes dark with some emotion that Louis didn’t want to place. Because well, Harry was looking at him, really looking at him for the first time since their breakup, and Louis didn’t want to think about the fact that maybe Harry’s eyes held concern. 

_ He doesn’t care, Louis _ , he thought, tearing his eyes away, his mind going back three weeks, the last time Harry had looked at him like that. 

_ Louis looked down at his pocket, which was buzzing angrily for the tenth time that night. He knew who it was, he knew what they wanted, but he just couldn’t pick up the phone. The sun had set and he was standing in the kitchen, all of the lights out, staring out the window into the night. _

_ “Hey, Lou,” He jumped at the sound of Harry’s voice behind him, before turning around and falling into strong arms. He hugged him hard, trying to calm the nerves that buzzed in his belly.  _

_ “Woah, what’s wrong, baby?”  _

_ Louis made a little noise in the back of his throat and just nuzzled into the warmth of his boyfriend’s neck. A hand threaded through his hair, massaging his scalp until Louis relaxed against Harry.  _

_ “They want a pregnancy scare.”  _

_ Harry tensed, tugging Louis’ head back to look him in the eyes, “What?” _

_ “They want to pap me and Eleanor buying a pregnancy test.” _

_ Harry’s voice held hesitation, “You said no, right?” _

_ Hanging his head, Louis backed away looking down at the too large sweater that turned his hands into sweater paws and belonged to Harry, “I tried,” he whispered.  _

_ And he had, he had told them no, with a firm shake of his head and stormed away and out of the office. But then they had called him, and he, being the idiot he is, picked up. Thirty minutes later they hung up and he had agreed.  _

_ “Louis!” _

_ He jumped at the sudden anger in Harry’s voice, “What the fuck does ‘I tried’ mean? Is this actually happening?” _

_ Feeling his own anger pulsing inside of him, Louis rounded back on Harry, “I couldn’t stop them, Harry! They always get what they want, always. There’s no way we can win! They have us completely under their control!” _

_ He hadn’t meant to yell, not at Harry, no, never at his Sun. He wasn’t angry at him, he didn’t think he could ever really be angry at Harry. He was angry at himself, the control Modest had over him, everything.  _

_ “They don’t want us together. Are you saying they’ll get that too?” _

_ Louis froze, tears filling his eyes, the kitchen suddenly seeming darker, “What?” but Harry didn’t answer his question.  _

_ “Don’t you ever think about being free? Being able to be ourselves without caring about the reaction fans will have?” _

_ “Of course, I do, Haz.” _

_ “Then say no, Lou. Take that step, tell them no.” _

_ Louis felt his stomach drop, “I can’t, Harry. You know I can’t.” _

_ Harry gripped at his curls, stepping away from Louis, the movement revealing his frustration, “But you can. You could say no.” _

_ The phone call flashed through his brain, “I  _ can’t, _ Harry. We can make it through this, we always do. It’s just one pap walk—” _

_ “I can’t do this anymore.” _

_ “Harry? Hazza? Sun? Please, no-” _

_ “I can’t do this anymore.” _

_ Louis didn’t hear the door slam because he fell to his knees, the same name still falling off his lips like a broken chorus to one of their songs. His hands shook as he stumbled, blurred vision and the dark of their kitchen keeping him from finding that which was gone. No hands reached out for him, no comforting words were spoken, there was nothing but him, the drip of the kitchen sink, and the empty silence left in his absence. He was gone. Louis’ chest heaved, the shattered pieces of his heart stabbing at his lungs until he couldn’t breathe.  _

_ “H-Harry?” _

“Lou, mate, you alright?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry, just realized I’m missing a match today.” 

Niall and Liam both laughed, “You and your football, mate.”

“We were just saying that we would announce the hiatus, Harry’s right, we all need a break. You okay with that?”

He wasn’t, but he couldn’t hold the others back because of his insecurities as an artist. The boys would thrive on their own, their vocals would carry them far, he, however knew that he was the weak link of the band and wouldn’t be successful. He nodded anyway, “Yeah, yeah, ‘course, lads.”

Niall seemed to sense the hesitance and reached over to squeeze Louis’ knee, “It’ll be okay. It'll be over before we know it.”

————

_ Six months later…. _

February 1st. Louis knew what today was. Of course he did, he remembered the dates they had and the gifts he had given Harry on this day. On Harry’s Birthday. 

He remembered the sweet kisses and the soft cuddles they shared while they satisfied Harry’s love of rom coms. 

He remembered and that is why he drank.

He was sat in his living room, a bottle of vodka in one hand, his phone in the other. The contact was open, he was a few drinks away from a drunken, late night birthday text to his ex-boyfriend who was still labeled in his phone as ‘My Sun.’ 

He was just very glad that he couldn’t drunkenly show up at Harry’s house, considering he wasn’t even in London. He was across the world in LA, doing things that apparently made him too busy to talk to Louis. 

They hadn’t spoken since that day. The day of the hiatus was the last time he had seen the curly haired, lanky lad with the bright green eyes and dark pink lips, and a slow smooth voice with a beautiful accent. He was perfection in the form of a human and Louis supposes he was lucky enough to get a taste. 

His finger hovered over the contact, he could call. He might answer and Louis could hear his voice and then that would be it. 

One call. 

One. Call. 

Then his phone rang, stopping him last minute from making an idiotic drunk phone call. He almost thanked them, until he saw who it was. 

_ Modest _ was painted across his screen next to three of the middle finger emojis. Groaning, he knew he couldn’t ignore the call. 

“Hello?”

“ _ Louis, where the fuck are you?”  _

“What are you talking about?” So what if his words came out slurred. 

_ “Are you drunk? Is that why you’re not currently at the club? Get your ass over here, you were supposed to be papped partying with that model tonight.” _

“Look, I’m not really in the-”

_ “Get the fuck over it. You know what you agreed to.” _

And he did, he knew what he agreed to. His stomach churned and he replied, “I’ll be there in ten.”

There was no answer, just the dial tone sounding in his ear. He stood up and fuck, he was so drunk. The ground was swaying and his vision was blurry. He wanted to curl up in his bed and fall asleep, but he pushed himself out the door, locking it behind him and hailing a cab. 

He gave the address of the club that management wanted him at and sat back, closing his eyes. The cab smelled of hairspray, cheap liquor, and bo, but it was in a way preparing him for the stink of the club. He was familiar with the odor of sweat, too much perfume, and liquor-soaked breath. Ever since his “breakup” with Eleanor, Modest had been putting him in clubs with models for promotion, advertising him as playboy and partier extraordinaire. 

Niall and Liam had both expressed concern for him, through their meetings and occasional skype call. He had shrugged it off like he did their curiosity of him staying with Syco and Modest. 

Stumbling out of the cab, he got to the entrance and Jones was standing there, his arms crossed. “Finally, now come on, Kali is waiting.”

“Isn’t her name Kaitlyn?” He mumbled as the grip on his upper arm tightened and he was pulled through the club. 

A pretty blonde girl stood in front of him, her curves highlighted in the short, sequined dress she was wearing. A frown was on her lips and a jacket was around her shoulders. 

“Sorry ’bout that, honestly he’s so forgetful.”

She turned to him, completely ignoring the manager, “I have a girlfriend and I really don’t want to be here, but hi, I’m Kaitlyn.”

“Hi, Kaitlyn, I’m Louis.”

Jones made a sound of protest, but Louis didn’t get a chance to acknowledge him, the hand around his tugging him onto the dance floor. 

Grinning at the look on Jones’ face, he turned to look at a bouncing Kaitlyn. “You may just be my new favourite person. Wish I could shut him up like that.”

He had to yell to be heard over the booming music. His alcohol-idled brain fishing to form coherent and non-slurred sentences. 

“It’s my ex-boyfriend’s birthday,” he ended up shouting in her ear, “and I got really fucking drunk before coming here.” 

_ Yeah, nice one, Louis, let’s drunkenly blab our problems to this stranger.  _

She twisted her mouth into what Louis could only describe as ‘damn, that sucks’ and said, “My girlfriend has watched me on five of these dates and cries in the shower because of it.” 

Louis grimaced, “Shots?”

Kaitlyn nodded, “Shots.”

Two hours later, Louis could barely see as security ushered him and Kaitlyn out of the club where the paps lied in wait. The flashes blinded him, catching the carefully placed hand that Kaitlyn had on Louis’ arm and the cigarette in Louis’ hand. 

Once clear of the public eye, the distance became a friendly one, and they went in separate cars, each other’s numbers safely tucked into the other’s contacts. Louis’ head pounded and he still swayed to an invisible beat, as he looked out the window of the car and looked at the stars and the moon. 

“Happy Birthday, Sun,” he whispered. 

————

When he woke up the next morning, he barely had time to comprehend the hangover from hell before he stumbled into the bathroom and found himself in front of the toilet, puking up the contents of his stomach. 

By the time he was finished, he was fully aware of the pounding headache. Wiping his mouth, he moved to lay on his side, resting his forehead against the cool tile. He curled up, eyes squeezing shut at the pain in his skull. 

_ “C’mon, Lovey Lou, let’s get you to the shower.” _

_ Louis, who had entirely too much to drink the night before, was burying his head back into the pillow and trying to shove away Harry’s hands that were pulling him up.  _

_ “I’ll shower with you?” _

_ That got Louis to open one eye and peek at the smirking brunette above him.  _

_ “Fine,” Louis groaned, rolling over and throwing his arms up, “carry me, peasant.” _

_ What he didn’t expect was for the curly haired monster to pick him up and throw him over his shoulder with a smack to his bum.  _

_ “Harold!” _

Perfectly content to wallow in the misery of remembrance, Louis laid on the bathroom floor, but then his doorbell rang. Cursing under his breath, Louis pulled himself and his heart off the bathroom tiles and lurched through the hallways of his home until reaching the front door. 

Unlocking it and pulling it open, he muttered a “Hello?” his eyes closed at the brightness of the sun. 

“Shit, lad, you look properly fucked.”

“Hi, Niall, nice to see you too.”

Louis shuffled back into his house knowing Niall would follow. He dug through the drawer in his kitchen until he found the large bottle of painkillers. He downed two with a dry swallow and turned to face his guest. 

“What’re you doing here, Ni?”

“Can’t friends check on each other?” 

Louis raised an eyebrow, and Niall sighed, “I thought I would check on you, you know, with Harry’s birthday yesterday.”

“I’m fine.”

Niall stares at him, “Louis, you called me at four in the morning drunk off your ass talking about the Sun. And I know it wasn’t the Sun in the sky. You were barely making sense, mate.”

_ Well, crap. Louis didn’t know he had done that.  _

“Sorry?”

“We’re worried about you, Lou,” Niall sighed sitting in one of the barstools and crossing his arms over his chest, “Liam and I, we’ve seen all this partying and don’t you think it’s gone a little far?”

_ Yes. Yes I do. I hate it, Ni. I hate doing it.  _

He wanted nothing more that to tell him that, but he couldn’t so he just shrugged, “m’doing just fine, Nialler.”

_ He wasn’t.  _

————

It was two days later that Louis realized that Niall was right and that he was not okay. He was messing around on the piano, trying to write a song, words spilling out of his mouth and into his writing journal. They didn’t make sense, not lyrically anyway, and he found himself thinking about how Haz would help him. 

_ Boobear,  _ he would say,  _ it’s not about words, it's about the emotion. Just feel and the rest will come along.  _

Harry was consuming his thoughts, whatever Louis did, a stupid memory would come up and Louis hated it. He did. It had been six months, he should hate it. 

But he didn’t and that’s what he hated the most. 

He went onto the balcony, grabbing the pack of cigarettes off the counter and the lighter next to them. Chain smoking three, Louis let the burn in his chest calm and suppress the memories that always seemed to threaten his sanity. 

This time when management called, he didn’t answer. Just curled up in a chair and watched the smoke curl away from him into the sky. 

————

_ Two months later… _

It was April when Louis Tomlinson first admitted his problem. 

Well, three of them actually. 

  1. He drank to solve his problems.
  2. He smoked to solve his problems.
  3. His problems had names, Modest and Harry. 



Eight months after the hiatus and Louis was falling apart. Management had him torn in two to keep up with all of the things they had him doing. Between the late nights clubbing and his newly founded insomnia, Louis was running on empty. He knew this was coming, he had agreed to it after all. 

_ “Me.” _

_ “What?” _

_ Louis dug his nails into his palms, his resistance to the doom he was signing up for.  _

_ “Let the band go, break their contracts, and you can have me.” _

_ The group around the table glanced around, Jones sneered, “Why would we want you? You’re nothing.” _

_ The insult, despite stinging, was something he had heard a thousand times, so he simply repeated, “Me. You can do whatever you want with me for two years. Just let the others free.” _

_ He could see the victory in their eyes and the reflection of his defeat in that sick gleam of satisfaction.  _

_ “Sign right here.” _

He admits he was stupid for agreeing to this, but he had already lost his Sun, his boys wanted to do their own thing, what did he have to lose? So he had signed his life away in order for those he cared about to be free. It wasn’t so bad. 

He just drank a lot so he wouldn’t have to remember the grinding of another random model against him. He smoked to qualm the anxiety that seemed to overwhelm him. He obeyed Modest so he could see the others free. He remembered Harry, well, Louis doesn’t really know why he does that. 

He told himself that this is all he was good for, because to him, it was better than the truth. 

That Louis Tomlinson was exactly what the managers said,  _ nothing _ . 

————

_ Five months later... _

September brought around bad things. Louis felt like he was in black and white, meaningless amongst the vibrant colours of fall. 

He could feel the extra hitch in his lungs as he went through pack after pack of cigarettes every month. He knew he would regret it one day, the possibility of lung cancer very likely if he kept at it this heavily. He shrugged, lighting another one and leaning against the park bench. 

He knew the rumors that swirled around him, the news articles and headlines that were published. “ _ Womanizer Tomlinson on Cocaine?” “Louis Tomlinson’s journey from sweetheart to playboy” and “Louis Tomlinson seen with another model drunk in the London Streets”  _ were the main themes. Drugs, alcohol, and women. That’s what he was made of to them. 

He stubbed out the cigarette and got up. The 28th was days away. It would’ve been their anniversary. 

_ “Harry!” _

_ Turning around to see a blue-eyed boy sprinting towards him, Harry’s eyes widened, “Woah, Tommo, slow down.” _

_ Louis bounded into him regardless, giggling and holding onto Harry’s arms. “I like you.” _

_ “I like you too, Lou,” Harry’s brow was furrowed in confusion. Louis just leaned in to whisper, “No, I mean I like like you.”  _

_ Kissing his forehead, Harry shook his head, “I know, darling. You do realize today is our anniversary which wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t “like like” me, don’t you?”  _

_ Louis pouted, but after a swift kiss from his Sun, his smile was shining.  _

He used to wonder if Harry thought about them too, but then he spent the day, curled up in bed, sobbing and consumed in his thoughts. Eventually Louis learned to stop wondering. 

As he walked home, fans approached him, and he smiled for them. He took pictures and signed autographs, exchanged laughs with them and it left the fans wondering how the person in the tabloids was the same kind soul standing before them. 

When he finally got home, he tossed his keys onto the table and pressed on the blinking button of his voicemail system. 

“Hello, this is the Center for-”

He pressed delete, and there was static before. 

“Lou? It’s mum...you didn't answer your cell ...umm...there’s some news..” A cough sounded through the receiver, “call me when you get this.”

Sure enough his cell was still on the counter, charging. Looking at it, there were a few missed calls from his mum and a similar voicemail. 

Dialing her back, Louis felt the anxiety rise up in his stomach, reaching out to grip his heart. 

_ “Louis?” _

“Hey, Mum, sorry. I left my cell at home.”

“ _ It’s okay, love.” _

“What’s happening? You sounded upset over the voicemail.”

_ “It’s worse, Lou. They don’t know if I’ll make it.” _

Louis could’ve sworn his heart stopped. 

“W-what?”

_ “The leukemia is worse. I only have a few months..” _

Louis felt his breathing stop, barely stuttering out, “I’m coming to Doncaster. I’ll be there tomorrow.”

_ “Lou, you don’t have to-” _

His voice broke and the desperation in it was clear, “I do. Mum, I have to come see you.”

_ “Okay,”  _ for as long as Louis could remember, he had never heard his mother sound so...defeated. 

“I love you.”

_ “I love you too.” _

His mum hung up and Louis let himself fall to the ground. His hands gripped at his hair, the grip around his heart tightening until he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t lose her, not his mum. His rock and steady foundation was going to leave. 

He felt the panic building, the tingling in his toes spreading up through his body. A cigarette wouldn’t be able to stop this. So he sobbed and dry heaved through a panic attack, alone in his kitchen once again. 

————

The next few days he was home. It was wonderful to see his sisters and his mum, but the air was stale with the unsaid. 

Dinner on the third day is when it was brought up. 

“What are the treatments?”

It was surprisingly not Louis that had asked, but Lottie, his sister who had before this been unusually silent. Fizzy was next to her, eyes glossy. 

Johannah smiled sadly, “There’s not any.”

Louis gripped his fork tighter, “I’ll take you to a specialist, the one in LA, he helped last time.”

He was glaring down at his plate, too scared to look at his mum who was far from healthy looking, with pale skin and dark circles. 

“Daisy, Phoebe, why don’t you go put Doris and Ernest to bed.”

It wasn’t a question, they all knew it, so the twins rose, grabbing the two youngest. Dan smiled politely, kissing his wife’s temple, “I’ll go with them.”

The dining table fell silent, the three eldest children looking at their mother who twirled her fork around on her plate. 

“It’s okay,” she said, “I’ve come to terms. I don’t want to go through treatment again.”

Louis felt his hands shake and he stood up. The room was suffocatingly quiet again, all eyes on him as he darted for the back door. His hands fumbled in his pockets for his cigarettes, he needed one, just one and he could calm down. 

But as the Doncaster air surrounded him, he couldn’t find it. His mind was going haywire,  _ no no nonononono,  _ was all he could think. He wasn’t aware that he wasn’t alone until arms wrapped around him. He trembled against her, turning to tuck himself in her embrace. 

“Mum, please don’t leave me.”

He knew he was sobbing, but he couldn’t bring himself to care as she ran her fingers through his hair and held him tighter. 

“Oh baby, I wish I didn’t have to.”

“I-I don’t want you t-t-to go.”

Tears dropped onto his head, his mum was crying, “Boobear, I’m not gone yet. It’ll be okay.”

Louis felt guilt settling in his gut, she was the one with cancer yet she was still telling him that everything would be okay. He should be comforting her, but he couldn’t find the strength in him to pull away and tell her the same.  _ It’ll be okay.  _

“Just hold on, mum, please.”

————

He spent the next day writing. It was like the dam that had kept him from writing all these months had finally broken in his mother’s embrace. Emotion poured out of him in the form of words, and for once he wasn’t thinking about Harry. 

He was home, with his sisters and mum around him while he did what he loved most, he made music. 

His phone, which had been turned off since he left London, was sitting next to him. He looked at the page, full of words and scribbled out ideas, his chicken scrawl formed into something that might be able to turn into a song. 

So he turned on his phone. Hundreds of notifications, missed texts and calls from mostly management, but also a few from Niall and Liam. He responded to the boys first. 

‘ _ m’okay, lads. went to donny, wanted to get away from the city for a bit. turned my cell off. sorry.’ _

Their replies were quick. 

Liam with a sweet:  _ ‘Glad you’re okay, just send us a text next time, alright?’ _

Niall with his usual:  _ ‘You little cunt, you scared the crap outta me. I went to your house and just found it empty. Do it again and I’ll strangle you, mate.’ _

Then he called management. 

“ _ Louis Tomlinson, you are in some deep fucking shit.” _

“I have a new song.”

Silence. He knew that might ease the trouble of missed clubbing and pap walks. 

_ “It better be good. We meet tomorrow.” _

They hung up without another word, and Louis sighed. He made sure to grab all the stray papers that could contain something good, and headed for his room. Grabbing the small backpack he had hurriedly thrown together before leaving London, he stuffed his things in it.

“You’re leaving.”

He turned to find Fizzy leaning against the doorway. 

He sighed, “I wish I didn’t have to, Fiz.”

She nodded, “I know. I’m not mad at you, just come back soon? Daisy and Phoebe are young and they need an older brother while their mom is going through something that’s hard for them to understand.”

Louis felt his heart clench, and he closed his eyes. He looked up to see the tears that were swimming in Fizzy’s eyes and he pulled her into a hug. “I’m scared, Lou,” he heard her whisper. 

_ So am I _ , he thought. But he just said, “Just hold on, Fiz, we’ll be okay.”

————

_ One month later… _

November brought good news. 

He would be working with Steve Aoki, an American DJ on finishing his new single, Just Hold On, to be released December 10, 2016.

His mom was doing good. She seemed a lot better than she did in September, maybe it was the healthy glow, or maybe it was just the shining smile she had when she told Louis how proud she was of him. 

Management had actually become bearable, he was still clubbing, but with the promise of the new single, they had allowed him some nights to himself. He still smoked when the anxiety got to him. He still drank. But the nights spent alone in his bathroom, heaving after nightmares filled with his mum falling into a place he couldn’t follow, were becoming fewer. 

He had agreed to perform the single on the X-Factor on its release date. Well “agreed.” He wasn’t too thrilled about returning to the stage that he was once on. But seeing the grin on his Mum’s face when she learned that she would be able to see him sing, it was worth everything to him. 

He was on a call with Niall and Liam, laughing about something they said, when he told them, “I’m releasing a single.”

He hadn’t meant to say it, he wasn’t supposed to say it. Management had him under tight control,  _ “You tell no one until we announce it.” _

They were announcing it in two days, no harm done right? 

Who is he kidding, Liam would be fine, but Niall always had a hard time keeping secrets. 

They’re faces were shocked before they morphed into smiles. 

“That’s great, mate!” 

“When can we hear it?”

He laughed, looking down at his fingers, “December 10, technically, but I kind of know some people so I might be able to get you an early listen.”

He winked at them, and when he laughed this time, he felt lighter. Maybe he would be okay. 

————

_ Less than a month later… _

It was raining in LA. Raining was putting it lightly, it was absolutely pouring. Harry had just got done with a day of filming and was drinking a cuppa in the comfy chair in front of his telly. 

A soft knock echoed from the door to his flat. His eyebrows furrowed, but he unfolded his legs and pressed pause so he wouldn’t miss any of Love Actually. 

Wrapped in nothing but a sweater, soaked to the bone, Louis Tomlinson stood on his doorstep. His eyes were red and he smelled of vodka. 

“Louis?”

“She’s gone, Harry,” he slurred, lurching to the side. Harry reaches out to steady him, but Louis caught himself, giggling. The giggle broke into a sob, and Harry grabbed him by the shoulders and yanked him inside. 

“You’re burning up, Lou,” Harry whispered, pressing the back of his hand against Louis’ forehead. 

Louis didn’t respond, just looked around, confused and sniffling, “Sun?”

Harry’s heart clenched at the nickname, “Yeah, it’s me.”

Louis didn’t know where he was, Harry could tell by the look in his eye, he was far too drunk and Harry could smell cigarette smoke on him. 

“C‘mon let’s get you warmed up.”

He led a stumbling Louis to his bathroom, stripping him of his soaked sweater and dropping it into the bathtub. He sat Louis down so he could lean against the cabinets while Harry ran to grab a large jumper from his closet and a pair of pants. 

Louis was a whimpering mess when he got back, and he smoothed his wet hair back, making a soothing sound in the back of his throat. “Shh, Lou, It’s okay.”

“m’gonna puke,” He mumbled pathetically, and Harry guided him calmly to the toilet, rubbing his back. 

After the episode had passed and Louis was just left a shivering mess, leaning his head on the toilet seat, Harry cleaned his face with a warm washcloth and pulled the jumper over his head. He let Louis stumble through taking off his trousers and pants, his back turned politely. When he turned back around, he was faced with a rosy-cheeked Louis, his fluff spiked from the water, his hands covered with sweater paws and Harry’s too large boxers going to mid thigh. 

“Time for bed, Louis, come on.”

Guiding him gently into the bedroom, Harry tucked him into the left side of the bed, just like he liked, with two pillows under his head. 

Louis seemed to have a moment of sudden sobriety because he looked at Harry with tear filled eyes, “You hate me, why did you let me in?”

Harry shook his head, “I never hated you.”

_ “You can’t go back to him.” _

_ Harry looked at the manager in front of him, “I’m sorry, what?” _

_ “We give you the hiatus, you can’t go back to Louis. We know that you will, and we’re telling you right now, you do that and his life will be hell.” _

_ Harry felt something clench at his heart. He didn't speak to Louis again. _

But Louis was already asleep, clutching Harry’s hand in his and holding them against his heart. 

“What happened to you, boo?”

————

_ Louis rushed into the room, the stark white of the hospital pushing in on him. His mother was laying in the bed, tubes and machines attached in far too many places, with sad, sunken eyes. Dan had tear tracks on his face, the thin hand clutched in his own was limp. His siblings were sitting in a cluster of chairs, their shoulders slumped and their eyes rimmed with red.  _

_ “Mum,” Louis’ voice broke.  _

_ “B-b-boobear,” she coughed weakly.  _

_ “Mum, please don’t go. Please.” _

_ A shaky hand reached for his cheek as he fell to his knees by her bed. “Let me go.” _

_ He sobbed leaning into her touch, “No, no. I won’t. Just hold on, Mum, please.” _

_ Her eyes fogged over and the long beep sounded as Death claimed yet another soul.  _

_ “Lou, please, wake up!” _

_ That’s not what happened next, he had screamed, doctors pushing him away, and then _

_ “Louis!” _

Shooting up, Louis choked on a sob, his hands clawed at his chest trying more than anything to stop the shattering of his heart. 

Arms wrapped around him, and he startled at the familiar scent of Vanilla and Cashmere. 

“H-harry?”

“I’m here, Lou, I’m right here.”

Hands bunched into the t-shirt that Harry was wearing and Louis continued to cry. 

“She’s g-g-gone,” he stuttered between sobs, not even bothering to wonder how he had gotten here. 

“Who, love?” 

“M-mum. She left.”

Harry inhaled sharply, “Oh god, Louis. I’m so sorry.”

His arms tightened around him, and he shifted, rising from where he was kneeling by the bed and bringing himself to rest against the headboard, Louis in his lap. 

Thirty minutes of back rubbing and playing with his hair later, Louis was done crying. Only the occasional sniffle coming from the crook of Harry’s neck where he had nuzzled. 

“My head hurts,” Louis felt himself mumble pathetically. He heard it more than he saw it when Harry smiled softly, “I’m not surprised, you were wasted last night.”

Louis peeked up at him through wet eyelashes, “Is that how I got here? I showed up drunk on your doorstep?”

Harry nodded, brushing a piece of hair from Louis’ forehead, “You were soaked to the bone.”

Louis groaned, then he seemed to realize that he was still in Harry’s lap, his  _ ex-boyfriend’s lap _ and blushed. He scrambled out of the bed, “I’m so sorry,” he squeaked. 

Harry sighed, “Don’t worry about it. I think we need to talk about some things but that can wait until I get you a cuppa and some breakfast.”

Louis nodded, and looked down to also realize that he was in Harry’s lilac jumper and a pair of boxers. He blushed more and asked, “Where’s your bathroom?”

Harry pointed to the white door and Louis nodded and rushed away. Harry watched him go before getting out of bed and heading to the kitchen. 

Louis gripped the edges of the sink,  _ this is why I shouldn’t get drunk. I fly out to LA and show up in the middle of a rainstorm at my ex’s house. Then I proceed to steal his clothes and end up crying in his lap hungover and grieving.  _

“Stupid, stupid,” he muttered, hitting his head, which was a big mistake considering the headache he was sporting was bad enough to make him wanna puke. 

He splashed water on his face, and decided to face the music. After turning down wrong hallways at least three times, Louis found the kitchen of Harry’s far too confusing flat. 

Harry was in front of the stove, his back to Louis. 

Clearing his throat, Louis sat down at one of the barstools. Harry turned to him with a smile and a cup of steaming tea, “Yorkshire with two sugars and a splash of milk.”

Louis fiddled with his sleeves, “You remembered?”

Harry’s face softened, “Of course, I remember, Lou.”

There it was, that nickname again. Last night was blurry but he could piece together two things, 

The comfort of Harry's voice telling him,  _ “Shh, Lou, it’s okay.”  _ and Louis asking a question that he still didn’t understand the answer to  _ “You hate me, why did you let me in?” “I never hated you.” _

“French toast?” Louis asked when he looked at the pan that Harry had gone back to supervising. 

“Still your favourite?” 

It was. “Yeah.”

Silence fell until Harry slid a plate in front of Louis and sat next to him with his own plate. 

“I’m not gonna ask how you’re doing, cause I know you feel like shit, but I will ask why did you come here? Why not Niall or Liam?”

Louis froze at the question, his fork halting. He didn’t want to think about the reason, even though he already knew it. 

“Because you make me feel safe.” 

It was so quiet that Harry almost missed it, but the words repeated in his head. 

_ You make me feel safe. You make me feel safe. You make me feel safe. _

“Then you can stay as long as you’d like.”

————

Harry had spent most of the morning helping Louis through more crying and panic attacks. When Louis finally seemed tuckered out, he told him that he would have to go for a while, but would be back in a few hours. Louis nodded sleepily. 

“My phone is dead right now, but I’ll charge it on the way to my meeting, if anything happens call me.”

His voice was firm and Louis nodded again. 

“Be careful, Lou.”

Then he left and Louis slept. 

————

Louis knew he was royally fucked when Harry came back from a meeting, his face alight with fury. He had his phone in his hands, apparently he had charged it. 

Louis, who had woken from his nap and settled into the couch with blankets around him, looked at him nervously. 

“You just ran off, Louis?!? You didn’t tell anyone where you were going? I have dozens of missed calls from Niall, Liam, and your sisters worried sick about you!!”

Louis winced. 

“Last time they saw you was when you ran out of the hospital, sobbing, and got into a cab without a word. What the hell were you thinking?!? You could’ve gotten hurt!”

“Did you tell them where I was?” Louis murmured, his fingers picking at the blanket. 

“I told them you were with me and you were safe,” He said simply. 

Louis frowned, “Are they coming to get me?”

Seeing the panic that was lying behind those words, Harry sat next to him on the couch and grabbed his hands. 

“No. They wanted to, but I told them that you just need some time. You should at least text them.”

Louis nodded, “I will.”

He grabbed his phone off of the couch arm. He had turned it off in the cab as he drove away from the hospital and he hadn’t tried to turn it back on. 

Letting it power on, Louis dares to lean his head against Harry’s shoulder. He was tense, almost expecting Harry to lean away, but an arm wrapped around him and pulled him closer. 

“I’ve been worried about you,” he heard Harry whisper, “all the headlines, I was scared the next one was gonna be ‘Louis Tomlinson dead after Alcohol Poisoning.’”

Louis has wondered when this would be brought up. He didn’t answer, just looked down at his phone which was flooded with notifications. The missed phone calls and voicemails from Modest looked in front of him, but he just clicked to his group chat with Lottie and Fiz, knowing she would pass on his message. 

_ ‘Lots, Fiz, I’m sorry I disappeared. I didn’t mean to, and I’ll be back soon. I promise. I love you, tell the others that I love them too.’ _

Then Niall and Liam,

_ ‘I’ll be back soon. I’ve been feeling better, but I’m not ready to come back. I won’t disappear again, love you, lads.’ _

Then finally he opened the latest voicemail from Modest. He could sense Harry’s curiosity and he knew that after this they would have to have a talk that had been a long time coming. 

_ “Louis Tomlinson, you are in such shit. You know what you agreed to. You’ve missed seven dates. Seven fucking dates. I swear to god if you aren’t back for that X-Factor performance, the contract is down the drain and we go after the boys. Understand? You know that this is the only way we get value out of you, so think carefully. You’re nothing, Louis. Nothing.” _

Harry was staring at Louis, his mouth slack. Louis felt tears trail down his cheeks hot and heavy, and he looked up at Harry with a look that said,  _ It’s not a big deal, I’m used to it. _

Harry wrapped him up in another hug, and Louis was worried because he was getting far too used to being in Harry’s arms. He shifted so he was straddling Harry’s lap, his face buried into the soft material of his sweater. 

“Oh, Lovey Lou.”

Louis broke, the words poured out of him, he couldn’t seem to stop. 

“I didn’t want to party,” he hiccuped, “I didn’t want to, Haz, I swear.”

“I know,” Harry felt his heart break in two, all of those things about Louis partying and being a playboy were management’s doing, “I know now. I’m sorry I ever thought differently.”

“I didn’t like when they would touch me, dance with me,” Harry’s grip tightened at the words, “It didn’t feel right. It wasn’t you, Hazza, I wanted it to be you. I miss you so much. I miss us.”

“Shhh, Lou, breathe.”

Taking a shuddering breath, Louis tried to sink further into the warmth of Harry. 

“m’sorry, Sun,” he mumbled against the skin of Harry’s neck. 

Tugging on the back of his neck, Harry pulled Louis’ head back so he could look in his eyes. 

“Don’t apologize,” he said seriously, “I think that it’s time we had a talk, but for now rest. I guess we’ll have to fly out to London tomorrow, if you feel up to the X-Factor performance.”

It was an offer, Louis realized, he could say no and just stay here with Harry. But he also remembered how excited his mum was about the performance. He would do it, for her, not management. 

He nodded, “For her,” he whispered, “Will you be there?”

“I’m not leaving your side again.”

Louis believed him. They fell asleep on the couch that night, wrapped up in each other.

————

When Louis woke up early the next morning, he was alone on the couch. He almost thought it was a dream, falling asleep to the steady beat of Harry’s heart, but then Harry walked into the room. His hair was wet and he was only wearing a pair of sweats. Louis blushed at the exposed tan skin, and Harry smirked at him. 

When his face turned serious, Louis sighed, “Talk time?”

Harry nodded sitting on the opposite side of the couch, pulling Louis blanket covered feet into his lap. 

“I’ll go first,” Harry said softly. 

“I think I can guess, Haz.”

Confusion masked Harry’s features, but motioned for Louis to continue, “Did they threaten me? The other boys?”

Harry nodded, looking down like he was ashamed that he fell for Modest’s sick manipulation, How’d you know?”

“That’s what they did to me.” 

Harry squeezed Louis’ foot, and glossy blue eyes met his, “The pregnancy scare, I had told them no, but then they called me and said that they would start womanizing rumors about you, and I knew I couldn’t let that happen.”

“Lou, I would’ve been okay.”

Louis shook his head, “But I wouldn’t have been. I hate how they turned you into the complete opposite of yourself. I swore I wouldn’t let that happen to anyone else if I could help it. Then, I let it happen to me.

“They weren’t gonna let us go on hiatus, and I knew that if I gave them me then they might let the contracts go. I told them I would do anything they wanted for two years-”

“Louis, why didn’t you tell us?” 

Harry sounded heartbroken, and Louis ached inside, “You guys wanted the break so bad and-”

“You say that like you didn’t want the break.”

Louis looked at his lap, his eyes darting. 

“You didn’t want the break, did you?”

Louis shook his head, the tears falling down his cheeks, “I wasn’t good enough in the band, I’m absolutely nothing on my own. You all were so talented and I just-I couldn’t keep you from success.”

“Oh god, baby, come here.”

Louis broken heart fluttered at the nickname, and he crawled over to curl up against Harry’s side. He basked in the warmth, tears still streaming down his face. 

“You are so talented, One Direction was nothing without you. We never would’ve went on break if we knew you weren’t okay with it, it was a band decision.”

Louis shook his head into Harry’s shoulder, “I didn’t want to hold you guys back.”

“It’s not holding us back, Lou, it’s letting us help someone we love. We would’ve done anything in a heartbeat. And we’ll do something now. Modest won’t have you for much longer.”

His head snapped up and Louis looked dazed, the tears gone, “What?”

Harry’s green eyes stared back at him, “You aren’t staying there. I’ll hire a whole team of lawyers to get you out, and so would Ni and Liam. We won’t let you be put through this any longer. I won’t.”

Then Louis did what was probably the most stupidest thing he could’ve done in that moment. He tilted his head up and kissed Harry Styles right on the lips. 

He pulled away with a squeak, “Sorry, don’t even know what came over me.”

His cheeks were flushed pink, but when two large hands cupped the sides of his face, he turned to an unpleasant shade of red. His eyes fluttered closed and he could feel Harry’s breath fan across his face. Then a pair of soft lips, that he knew very well, were on his. 

Harry kissed like he talked, slow and thorough, but he tasted sweeter, like citrus and honey all wrapped up in something Louis could only describe as Harry. 

When Harry pulled away, Louis was breathless with swollen lips and a blush across his cheeks. He tried to tilt his head away, embarrassed, but Harry grabbed his chin. 

“Don’t hide from me, love.”

And fuck did Louis forget how beautiful Harry was sometimes. His hair was still messy and slightly damp from his shower, his green eyes were darker than usual, and his lips were so very enticing. 

Louis reached out to tangle his fingers in Harry’s hair, but the angle was awkward so Harry gripped Louis’ hips and moved him so he was in the younger man’s lap. 

“I like your hair at this length,” Louis declared, after sifting his hands through it a couple of times. Harry hummed, eyes closed and head tilted back as Louis’ fingers rubbed against his scalp. 

“I do miss my curly, but I remember when they first announced you were gonna be in Dunkirk and the paps got your haircut, I almost texted you because you looked so damn amazing.”

Harry’s mouth curved up into a smile, and Louis couldn’t help but press a happy kiss onto the little dimple that was peeking out. 

Harry tilted his head trying to catch Louis’ lips with his own, but the older man dodged and continued playing with the curls that occupied his attention. A pout took over Harry’s face, so Louis sighed and gave him a peck on the lips. 

One peck turned into them kissing softly on the couch, Harry’s arms wrapped lazily around Louis' waist and Louis’ hands tangled in Harry’s hair. 

“Our flight leaves in less than two hours,” Harry mumbled as he chased Louis’ lips. 

“That’s plenty of time,” Louis said, kissing him back. 

“You need to eat.”

Louis shook his head in protest when Harry pulled back, “I’m fine, more kisses now please.”

Harry was leaning back in, fully intending on giving Lou what he wanted but then Louis’ stomach rumbled loudly between them. Harry’s laughter filled the room, and Louis pouted. 

“C‘mon, boo, let’s get you something to eat.” 

Louis crosses his arms, planning on refusing to leave Harry’s lap, but when Harry stood up, holding onto the bottom of Louis’ thighs, the smaller brunette gripped onto bare shoulders. 

“Harold,” he hissed, “You could’ve dropped me.”

He got a grin in return while they walked to the kitchen, “But I didn’t.”

Louis let himself be carried, head resting on Harry’s shoulder before he dared to ask, “What are we, Harry?”

They stopped moving and Louis leaned back to look in his eyes. 

“We’re whatever you’re comfortable with.”

Louis could see the sincerity, so he smiled, “I’d like to be yours. And if you really do get me free, I want everyone to know that you’re mine. Now breakfast please.”

Louis knew his grief wasn’t gone, he knew that he was still with Modest, but here in Harry’s arms he knew that he could hold on. 

————

“With DJ Steve Aoki, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Louis Tomlinson.”

“ _ Wish that you could build a time machine _

_ So you could see _

_ The things no one can see _

_ Feels like you're standing on the edge _

_ Looking at the stars _

_ And wishing you were them” _

He knew that his mum was up there, smiling down on him from the stars. He wanted nothing more than to run backstage and cry, but he wrote this song for a reason, he was performing for a reason. 

_ “What do you do when a chapter ends? _

_ Do you close the book and never read it again? _

_ Where do you go when your story's done? _

_ You can be who you were or who you'll become” _

A chapter in his life was over and there was a difficult one up ahead, but he would keep the book open and turn the page. 

_ “Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh, if it all goes wrong  _

_ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh, darling just hold on _

_ The sun goes down and it comes back up  _

_ The world it turns no matter what  _

_ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh, if it all goes wrong _

_ Darling, just hold on _

_ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh, darling, just hold on _

_ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh” _

He could hear the crowd and he let the feeling of support rush over him. He allowed himself to move around more freely, embracing the song.

_ “It's not over 'til it's all been said  _

_ It's not over 'til your dying breath  _

_ So what do you want them to say when you're gone? _

_ That you gave up or that you kept going on?” _

He knew that he had a support system right in the audience. Niall, Liam, his sisters, and his Harry. All of them there because they believed in him. 

_ “What do you do when a chapter ends? _

_ Do you close the book and never read it again? _

_ Where do you go when your story's done? _

_ You can be who you were or who you'll become” _

Louis knew he would be free, he would be able to believe that he was something. He just had to hold on a little longer and then he could get to the good part. 

_ “Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh, if it all goes wrong  _

_ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh, darling just hold on _

_ The sun goes down and it comes back up  _

_ The world it turns no matter what  _

_ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh, if it all goes wrong _

_ Darling, just hold on” _

He missed her so much. His whole body ached with loss and sorrow, but his heart would mend. He would remember her with fondness, for her death is not something to mourn when he had so much of her life to celebrate. 

_ “Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh _

_ Darling, just hold on _

_ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh _

_ If it all goes wrong _

_ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh _

_ Darling just hold on _

_ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh” _

He took a deep breath, singing to himself more than the audience. 

_ “If it all goes wrong, darling just hold on” _

The applause was deafening, he could see some people wiping their eyes, but he truly only saw the proud, teary smile Harry offered him as he mouthed, “I love you” from the front row.

Yeah, he could definitely hold on for that.

————

_ Four months later…. _

“Harold,” Louis warned, “Behave yourself.”

Harry nipped at his neck one more time, before pouting at him. 

“Don’t look at me like that, love,” he sighed, “We’re about to be seen as a couple in public for the first time, I can’t have hickies all over my neck.”

Harry smirked, “ _ More _ hickies,” he corrected, pulling down the collar of his jumper that Louis was wearing to better reveal the purple bruises peeking out. Louis blushed, slapping his hand away. 

“Oi, keep it in the bedroom you two,” Niall muttered from his place on the couch. Liam who was currently having his arms stuffed into a suit jacket scoffed, “Like being around us is gonna stop them.”

After a very quiet, three month battle for Louis’ freedom, the boys had announced to the world that they would be getting back together, under their own management, and continuing to have time to work on solo careers. Syco Entertainment and Modest Management were going bankrupt, and Louis could not be happier. 

He had mostly been living with Harry in LA since the funeral. He had spent the first few weeks at home with his family, but Harry had been there right with him, helping with every step. 

When Niall and Liam had found out about the contract Louis sighed, they had been furious. It took Louis forty five minutes to talk Niall down from committing assault of some kind. Liam had just hugged Louis, which meant that Niall wanted to join and their serious talk had turned into a big group cuddle. 

When they had announced the return of the band, Louis and Harry decided to wait to tell people about their relationship, wanting that moment to belong to the band. 

So here they were, at the Billboard Music Awards, and Louis and Harry were going to walk down the red carpet together. Like together. And Louis was fucking terrified. They were gathered in their hotel, getting ready to have their first award show as a band again. 

Louis was still in a jumper (Harry’s) and joggers (also Harry’s), and was sitting curled up into Harry’s suited side. Niall was also dressed, a simple blue coloured suit that was buttoned in the front. Liam had discarded the suit jacket and opted for a tight black t-shirt with nice greenish slacks. 

“C’mon, Lou, let the other Lou work her magic.” 

Lou Teasdale, their stylist from One Direction smiled at Louis, simply saying with her eyes,  _ resist and I’ll punch you. _

Surrendering, Louis reluctantly pulled away from his human sized heater. 

When Louis was dressed in a simple black button up and black slacks. Harry frowned, upset at the lack of colour and grabbed one that matched his suits. A sunflower was tucked into the pocket of the shirt. 

“Perfect,” Harry whispered, kissing the older boy’s forehead. They ignored the gagging sounds coming from Niall, who was “secretly” the biggest fan of their relationship, and Louis leaned up to peck Harry’s lips.

One Direction was at the red carpet, the limo coming to a stop. Louis could feel the nerves bubble inside him, Harry must have sensed it too because a larger hand encased his own with a reassuring squeeze. 

“We don’t have to do this if you’re not ready,” Harry reminded him. 

Louis shook his head, “No. I want people to know that you’re taken and no one is gonna steal you away. Not again.”

Liam and Niall gave them both thumbs up, huge smiles on their faces, before sliding out of the door. Harry grinned, “Let’s knock their socks off, baby,” offering his hand. 

Louis intertwined their fingers and let Harry pull from the car and out into the light. 

————

Cameras were flashing, but Louis could hear the increase as the paps and reporters tried to snap as many pictures of the two stars’ intertwined hands and large smiles. 

They took pictures with the other two, Harry’s hand wrapped possessively around Louis’ waist. 

Liam and Niall went off to the side and Louis looked around confused, then Harry dipped him, in front of artists and respected individuals, Harry Styles was kissing him,  _ him,  _ in public. 

When Harry pulled back and righted them into a standing position, he had a pleased smirk on his face at Louis’ blush. 

“I love you,” Harry whispered in his ear, tucking a piece of Louis’ longish hair behind his ear. 

“I love you,” Louis said without hesitation. 

His Sun was back, his mum was among the stars, and he had a whole solar system of support.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
